This summer was the summer in which I learned the most about myself, probably because it was also the summer in which I loved myself the most so far. I believe that maturity contributed to this, and to a large extent, experience as well—both the terrible, ugly, worst experiences, and those in front of which I finally learned to raise walls. I no longer see or hear them.

In the process of healing from too many wounds inflicted over the past two years, this summer was for me not only a time of healing but also a discovery of a new, more grown-up version of myself. And I was afraid this summer would be wasted. Much of this fear was fueled by the autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with in May, which caused me to cry for ten days, and then compelled me to start working on minimizing the symptoms and, in general, reducing the impact of the disease. There was a lot of sacrifice involved (for example, avoiding gluten and social outings), increasing activity (very long walks, long bike rides, tennis), dealing with the disease’s symptoms, and coping with the side effects of the rather strong therapy I was prescribed due to alarming test results. I cut alcohol out of my life for several months, though this isn’t entirely new, as I have voluntarily taken months-long breaks from drinking before. That process deserves a separate post because from my very first period of abstinence, my perception and relationship with alcohol completely changed, and even today I consider that decision one of the best I’ve ever made.

There were other things I interpreted as foreshadowing a bad summer. First and foremost, strained romantic relationships and arguments, which ultimately ended in a breakup—though I must say I have immense respect for my now ex-boyfriend. I simply had to make huge cuts, which I thought I wasn’t ready for, but the disease and the need to care for my health literally forced me to. This summer, I removed enormous burdens from both my shoulders and my heart.

I am proud of myself because I’ve proven once again that if I just keep looking forward and don’t focus on others, especially those who hurt me, I can only grow. I learned that I don’t need to stoop to the level of people who hurt me just to explain to them that they are wrong. I know they will never understand, and this summer I learned to live with that.

This summer, regarding one group, especially a few girls in it who have been regularly attacking me for almost two years, and some who recently joined them, whom I believe are part of some completely distorted collective madness born from their years of malice, scheming, manipulation, and false representation, I began to feel inferior, and everything they did started to affect me.

I even had the opportunity to retaliate against one of these girls, whom I don’t even personally know (which proves what I claim—that these are extremely disturbed people). A few months ago, she mocked me in passing, probably unaware how insecure she was showing herself to be. This summer I had a chance to laugh in her face in a way she would never forget, leaving her a permanent scar. But I didn’t, because I’ve learned to rise above the situation. I know that’s not right, and I don’t want to be the “bad guy” just to inflate my ego for a few seconds. That role I leave to them. If you choose to be a bitch, you have to accept that eventually, that’s how it will reflect back on you. I will never understand why people are so cruel to each other and how they never seem to fear that it will come back to them. Sometimes I think most people aren’t even aware of their malice—they simply function that way, and such behavior is normalized in society, as it is in this case. That’s the collective madness that develops over time.

Regarding a person who caused me significant unpleasant situations and who was a painful point for me for a long time, and whom I believed might eventually “choose the right path,” I managed to resist. I think this is what I am most proud of—not this summer, but this year. It was the hardest thing of all. Harder than giving up 80% of the food I usually eat, harder than the long walks and steepest bike climbs, harder than the heaviest weights in the gym, and harder than any thought of the hardest challenges. Where I found the strength, I don’t know—perhaps it came from the exhaustion of dealing with everything connected to him. And actually, this summer held many small, unexpectedly beautiful moments—but I no longer allow myself to be anyone’s secret. That offends me.

Maybe that’s why I feel I became more beautiful this summer, because I truly do feel it. I think it’s mainly because I removed enormous burdens from my shoulders and my heart, but also because of the self-awareness that came after an immensely long time of genuine work on myself and shedding the sense of unworthiness that I had acquired from being treated badly by certain people. Realizing that you are not at fault for someone treating you poorly is my small victory, and something I will never allow myself to forget again. This summer, I managed to find the strength to face the hardest challenges waiting for me, and I have felt reborn since. Work started moving after a long standstill, and everything new it brings is only getting better. My test results are perfect, whereas just a few months ago, they were desperate.

There was something special about this summer. Many call it strange. To me, it was exactly the summer I needed, because it taught me the most important thing: to let go—of pain, anger, fear, toxic relationships, and even my own doubts. In that letting go, I found peace, satisfaction, and a sense of self that is stronger, more beautiful, and has created an image of myself that I look forward to every day and in which I no longer have doubts.

Croatian version (hrvatska verzija)

Ljeto kada sam naučila otpustiti

Ovo ljeto bilo je ljeto u kojemu sam naučila najviše o sebi, vjerojatno zato što je ovo ljeto bilo ljeto kada sam najviše do sada voljela sebe. Vjerujem da je tome doprinijela zrelost, a velikim dijelom zasigurno i iskustva, i to ona užasna, ružna, najgora, ali i ona ispred kojih sam napokon naučila podići zidove. Ne vidim ih više ni ne čujem. 

U procesu zacjeljivanja od previše rana zadanih u posljednje dvije godine, ovo ljeto za mene je bilo ne samo zacjeljivanje već otkrivanje neke nove, odrasle sebe. A bojala sam se da će mi ovo ljeto propasti. Tomu strahu je najviše “kumovala” autoimuna bolest koja mi je dijagnosticirana u svibnju zbog čega sam plakala deset dana, a onda se složila i krenula raditi na maksimalnom ublažavanju simptoma i općenito smanjenju utjecaja bolesti. Puno je tu bilo odricanja (npr. glutena i izlazaka), pojačavanja aktivnosti (vrlo duge šetnje, vrlo duge vožnje biciklom, tenis), borbe sa simptomima bolesti, ali isto tako i nuspojavama na poprilično jaku terapiju koju sam dobila zbog očajnih nalaza. Izbacila sam alkohol iz života na nekoliko mjeseci, ako to i nije nekakva novost jer sam višemjesečne pauze od pijenja alkohola imala samoinicijativno već nekoliko puta i taj proces zaslužuje posebnu objavu jer sam od prve apstinencije potpuno promijenila sliku i poimanje, ali i odnos prema alkoholu te dan danas tu odluku smatram jednom od boljih koje sam u životu donijela. 

Bilo je još toga što sam protumačila kao nagovještavanje lošeg ljeta. Prije svega narušeni ljubavni odnosi i svađe, koji su na koncu i završili prekidom, iako moram reći da imam neizmjerno poštovanje prema svojem sad već bivšem dečku. Jednostavno sam morala napraviti ogromne rezove, na koje sam mislila da nisam sprema, no bolest i briga o zdravlju me doslovno natjerala na njih. Ovo ljeto skinula sam s leđa, ali i sa srca, ogromne terete. 

Ponosna sam na sebe jer mi se opet pokazalo da ako samo gledam naprijed i ne osvrćem se na druge, a posebice one koji mi rade nažao, samo mogu rasti. Naučila sam da se ne trebam spuštati na nivo ljudi koji mi čine nažao samo da bih im mogla objasniti da su u krivu. Znam da to nikada neće shvatiti i ovo ljeto naučila sam živjeti i s time. Ovo ljeto, prema jednoj ekipi, s naglaskom na nekoliko cura iz nje koje me redovno olajavaju već gotovo dvije godine, a neke su im se nedavno pridružile i za koje smatram da su dio nekakvog totalno poremećenog kolektivnog ludila koje je proizašlo iz njihove višegodišnje zloće, podmetanja, manipulacija i lažne slike predstavljanja, počela sam osjećati inferiornost i sve što mi rade mi je počelo imponirati.  

Čak sam imala priliku jednoj od tih cura, koju osobno niti ne poznajem (što je dokaz onoga što tvrdim, a to je da se radi o iznimno poremećenim osobama), vratiti, osvetiti se, jer mi se prije nekoliko mjeseci u prolazu podsmjehivala (vjerojatno nesvjesna koliko mi je zapravo tada pokazala da je nesigurna). Imala sam priliku nasmijati joj se u lice s takvim smijehom, da ga nikad ne zaboravi i da joj zauvijek ostane rana od njega. Ali nisam, jer sam naučila izdići se iz te situacije, znam da to nije ispravno i da ne želim zbog par sekundi dizanja ega u svojim očima biti bad guy. To prepuštam njima. Ako želiš biti kučka, moraš se pomiriti s tim da ćeš kad tad i završiti kao kučka. Nikad mi neće biti jasno zašto su ljudi tako zlobni jedni prema drugima i kako im nikada ne pada na pamet ili se ne uplaše da će im se to kad-tad vratiti. Ponekad mislim da većina ljudi zapravo i nije svjesna svoje zloće, i jednostavno tako funkcioniraju, a ponašanje je normalizirano i u skladu s ostatkom društva, kao što je to u ovom slučaju. I to je to kolektivno ludilo koje s vremenom nastane. 

Osobi, zbog koje sam proživljavala poprilične neugodne situacije, a koja mi je bila bolna točka jako dugo i za koju sam vjerovala da će jednom ipak “prijeći na bolju stranu”, izabrati ono ispravno, uspjela sam se oduprijeti. Mislim da je to stvar na koju sam najponosnija, ne ovo ljeto, već ove godine. To je bilo najteže od svega. Teže od odricanja 80 posto hrane koju sam inače jela. Teže od predugih šetnja i najstrmijih uzbrdica uz koje sam išla biciklom, teže o najtežeg utega u teretani i teže od svake pomisli o najtežem. Odakle mi snaga za to, ne znam, možda je proizašla iz umora zbog svih situacija vezanih uz njega, a ovo ljeto je zapravo imalo jako puno takvih malih, lijepih, neočekivano lijepih trenutaka, ali na njih više ne pristajem jer ne želim biti ničija tajna. To me vrijeđa. 

Ovo ljeto, eto, možda sam zato i postala ljepša, jer se takvom uistinu i osjećam. Mislim da je tako najprije zbog skidanja ogromnih tereta s leđa i sa srca, ali isto tako i samospoznaje koja je došla nakon neizmjerno dugog vremena istinskog rada na sebi i lišavanja osjećaja manje vrijednosti koji sam si navukla jer su me pojedinci loše tretirali. Uvidjeti da nisi kriv jer se netko prema tebi ponaša odvratno, za mene je moja mala pobjeda, ali i nešto što si više nikad neću dozvoliti. Ovo ljeto uspjela sam smoći snage i položiti najteže ispite koji su me čekali i osjećam se preporođeno od tada. Poslovi su se pokrenuli nakon dugo stajanja i sve novo što me dočekuje s njima je samo sve bolje i bolje. I nalazi su savršeni, a samo nekoliko mjeseci ranije bili su očaj. 

Nešto je bilo posebno u ovom ljetu. Mnogi ga nazivaju čudnim. Meni je očigledno bap ovakvo ljeto i trebalo jer me, ono najvažnije, naučilo otpustiti – bol, ljutnju, strah, toksične odnose, ali i vlastite sumnje. I u tom otpuštanju pronašla sam mir, zadovoljstvo i osjećaj sebe koji je snažniji, ljepši i koji mi je stvorio sliku o samoj sebi kojoj se svakog dana radujem i u koju ponovno nemam sumnje.