I didn’t.
That’s the simple truth. I didn’t survive it, or at least a part of me didn’t, because one part disappeared and even after all this time, it hasn’t returned. I know I’m not the same person anymore.

(…and maybe that’s not such a bad thing)

What pushed me to write this text were several conversations I had over the past month. Friends and colleagues opened up to me about how they’d been “ghosted,” and what kind of impact it had on them. A series of similar stories felt like a sign that it was time to open up myself, and what sealed my decision was reading an American study on this very “phenomenon”, or however we choose to call it. I call it “the defeat of the human heart”.

That indescribable feeling of worthlessness

Psychologists are now warning that ghosting can literally reshape the brain and lead to what they’ve started calling “PTSD from ghosting.” I also read that people who have been ghosted often describe feeling worthless. That’s exactly the feeling that haunted me for far too long. The feeling that comes when you realize they’re not coming back and won’t even spare a minute to send you a message, to end things with a shred of dignity. I never got closure, and I needed it. We all deserve closure. We deserve honesty, even in endings. No one deserves to wander in the dark. 

It may sound dramatic, but it’s the truth. I fought my pain alone for a long time. When I was ghosted, and for months, even a year after, I had no idea that term even existed, or that experts were calling it a trend. I simply thought I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough for a reply. I thought that I was the problem. I fell into a spiral of overthinking, searching for logic in something that had none, until I burned out completely.  

That’s why I’m writing this – because I see how many people are going through the same thing, and how deeply it affects them. And who knows, perhaps some of us have ghosted someone too, without even realizing it. We live in a world of speed and superficiality.

He ghosted me even he knew how much I liked him 

I believe some people are more resilient, and that it’s easier to “survive” ghosting if it happens during casual texting. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that lucky. I was ghosted by someone I was deeply in love with. And that made everything much harder. I still  remember the butterflies, the intensity, that rush of emotion I hadn’t felt before or since. It was powerful, overwhelming, uncontrollable. And at the same time, there were outside pressures, other people’s interference, tension. And then – he vanished. After a night we spent together. That destroyed me.

For a long time, I justified his actions, because a mind in love idealizes. But over time I realized the truth: I’d been used, hurt, and left to drown in that suffocating sense of worthlessness. When I finally sought help and sent him a message saying everything I had to say, it gave me a momentary sense of relief, but the pain lingered. Inside me, feelings of hatred toward him, anger, rage, justification, but above all, disappointment – kept intertwining. And that was what ate me alive. All the ugly emotions have faded by now, but the disappointment in him remains. He shouldn’t have done that to me. He knew how much I liked him.

Some people break you, others put you back together

Everything in life has its purpose. Although I was deeply hurt, I gave someone else a chance, and that person showed me how much I was worth. He didn’t hurt me or ignore me, he affirmed me. Our relationship didn’t last, but respect and gratitude remained. He didn’t play games. He didn’t act cold. He didn’t hide behind trends that have become the new normal in modern dating. Because yes – ghosting is a trend now. And there’s even a new word for it: submarining – when someone disappears and then suddenly resurfaces in your life, pretending nothing ever happened. That’s exactly what happened with the main character of my ghost story. Welcome to modern love stories.

Everything happens for a reason

They say in life you always get what you deserve. I don’t say that out of spite, but because I’ve seen it to be true. I’m not gloating, but I can’t deny there’s a quiet sense of poetic justice.
Today, I see him differently. The illusion is gone. I’m grateful for that.

I don’t judge anyone’s choices – everyone walks their own path. But if someone chooses, instead of me, a person who hides insecurity behind lies, performance, and competition, all I can say is: thank you for never choosing me. Maybe my tears and heartbreak were the price of that realization, but maybe that’s exactly how it was meant to be.

My confidence returned. The pedestal I’d put him on crumbled. And then I saw how awful he’d really been to me. His cruelty actually had always been there just wrapped in shiny, transparent cellophane that eventually fell away. 

I know I share part of the blame. I could have protected my heart, my mind. But how can you blame a woman who’s in love? 

Even now, I don’t fully know what was going on in his head, or his heart. Sometimes I see him as a victim: a kind but weak man who couldn’t resist peer pressure. Other times, I see him as a calculated jerk (to be fair, those moments are rare).

The fragility of human presence

I truly liked him. Everything about him. I felt the chemistry, and I know I didn’t imagine it.
And no, I’m not the same person after being ghosted by someone I once thought was one of the most wonderful person I’d ever met.

I’ve learned how fragile human presence is, how deeply silence can wound, and how important it is to protect your heart and your mind.

I no longer accept crumbs. Yes, it could’ve hurt less, but through it all, I’ve found growth. I’ve received enough love from people around me who truly care. I’ve found peace, maturity, and a renewed sense of self-worth. And inspiration – plenty of inspiration. 

Croatian version (hrvatska verzija)

Kako sam preživjela ghostanje? 

Nisam. Jednostavno je tako, da odmah odgovorim na pitanje iz naslova. Nisam ga preživjela, odnosno, barem jedan dio mene nije jer je nestao i više ne postoji. I nakon vremena koje je prošlo, taj dio se nije vratio i vjerujem da ni neće. Znam da više nisam ista.

(…a to možda i nije loše) 

Na pisanje ovog teksta potaknulo me nekoliko priča koje sam čula u razgovorima kroz zadnjih mjesec dana. Riječ je o dijelu mojih prijatelja i suradnika, koji su mi kroz priču o odnosima o drugim ljudima ispričali kako su bili “ghostani” i kakve je to posljedice imalo za njih. Nekoliko zaredanih priča o tome prepoznala sam kao ”znak” da se otvorim o ovoj temi, a točku na i mojoj odluci donio je članak jedne američke studije koja se bavi upravo ovim “fenomenom” ili kako god ga nazivali. Ja ga nazivam “porazom ljudskog srca”. 

Taj neopisiv osjećaj bezvrijednosti 

Psiholozi i ostali stručnjaci sve više upozoravaju na razarajuće efekte ghostanja i kažu da takvo ponašanje, koje danas gotovo uzimamo zdravo za gotovo, može doslovno preoblikovati mozak i dovesti do nečega što su nazvali „PTSP zbog ghostanja“. Pročitala sam i da se ljudi koji su ghostani osjećaju “bezvrijedno”. Upravo je to taj osjećaj koji me pratio iznimno dugo, predugo i previše. To je taj osjećaj koji je nastao nakon spoznaje da mi se neće vratiti, ali i da se neće udostojiti odvojiti pokoju minutu, poslati mi poruku i dostojanstveno me “odjebati”. Nisam nikada dobila kraj s njegove strane, a trebala sam ga. Zaslužujemo da prekinete odnose s nama i da nam to kažete. Nitko ne zaslužuje lutanje u mraku. 

Zvuči dramatično, ali uistinu tako i je. Ja sam se sa svojom boli dugo borila sama. U trenutku kada sam ghostana, ali i mjesecima pa i godinu kasnije, nisam imala pojma što znači taj pojam i da stručnjaci upozoravaju da je postao trend (!). Jednostavno sam mislila  da nisam dovoljno dobra i vrijedna da bih zaslužila i jednu poruku od njega i da sam u tome sama. Upala sam u začarani krug preispitivanja jer sam si morala objasniti zašto je to napravio, morala sam imati nekakav logički zaključak i na kraju sam pregorjela. Zato i pišem ovaj tekst jer sam primijetila da jako puno ljudi doživljava ghostanje i da brojni zbog toga pate. A tko zna, nitko nije bezgriješan, možda je među nama i netko tko je ghostao, a toga nije svjestan. Nezaboravimo u kakvom svijetu površnosti i svega prebrzog živimo. 

Ghostao me dečko u kojeg sam bila zaljubljena, i znao je to, jako dobro 

Vjerujem da su neki ljudi otporniji i da je lakše “preživjeti” ghostanje ako je u pitanju bilo samo dopisivanje. Na moju nesreću, mene je ghostao dečko u kojeg sam bila zaljubljena preko ušiju. I zato sam dugo vremena pokušavala opravdati njegove postupke, ili, što sad napokon mogu reći – njegovo odvratno ponašanje prema meni.  

Prošlo je vrijeme i još uvijek ne razumijem sve njegove postupke. Sjećam se početnog zaljubljivanja, leptirića u stomaku i intenziteta osjećaja koje nisam nikada prije ni kasnije osjetila. Taj osjećaj je bio snažan, gotovo nadmoćan, i nisam ga mogla kontrolirati. U isto vrijeme, niz neugodnih situacija od strane drugih ljudi, nesigurnost i pritisci izvan našeg odnosa samo su dodatno otežavali cijelu situaciju. I on je nestao, i to nakon što smo zajedno proveli noć. To me zatuklo. 

Dugo sam ga opravdavala, jer zaljubljeni mozak idealizira osobu u koju smo se zaljubili. Ali s vremenom sam shvatila da sam iskorištena, da sam povrijeđena, i da taj osjećaj bezvrijednosti nadmašuje sve. Nakon što sam potražila stručnu pomoć i poslala mu poruku u kojoj sam iskazala što me muči, došla sam do male olakšice,  ali bol se nije odmah povukla. U meni su se iprepletali osjećaji mržnje prema njemu, ljutnje, bijesa, opravdavanja, ali najviše razočaranja. I to me izjedalo. Sve ružne emocije su do danas nestale, ali razočaranje u njega je ostalo. Nije mi to trebao napraviti. Znao je koliko mi se sviđa.

Neki te ljudi rastave, ali drugi te slože 

Sve u životu ima svoje. Iako sam duboko povrijeđena, dala sam priliku nekome drugom koji mi je pokazao koliko vrijedim, koliko netko može cijeniti moju prisutnost i osjećaje. Ta osoba me nije povrijedila, nije me ignorirala, nego je potvrdila moju vrijednost. Naša veza nije trajala, ali ostalo je poštovanje i zahvalnost.

On nije igrao igrice, nije glumio hladnoću, nije se skrivao iza trendova koji su postali norma suvremenih odnosa. Jer da, ghostanje je danas trend. A pojavila se i nova riječ,  ‘submarining’, kada osoba nestane pa se iznenada ponovno pojavi u tvom životu, kao da se ništa nije dogodilo. Isto se dogodilo i s glavnim likom moje ghost-priče. Dobrodošli u moderno doba ljubavi. 

Sve ima svoje 

Kaže se da u životu uvijek dobiješ ono što zaslužuješ. Ne mislim to iz nekakve osvete, nego je jednostavno u životu tako. Ne naslađujem se time, ali mi mnoge stvari imponiraju. Danas na njega i njegove životne odluke gledam drugačije. U mojim očima on više nije idila i sretna sam što sam kroz vrijeme došla do te točke. Ne osuđujem ničije izbore jer svatko bira svoj put. Ali ako je, umjesto mene, odabrao osobu koja skriva nesigurnost iza laži, pretvaranja i nadmetanja, mogu samo reći: hvala ti što mene nikada nisi izabrao. Možda su moje suze i odvratni osjećaji bile cijena toga, ali valjda je tako moralo biti. Moje samopouzdanje se vratilo, idealiziranje njega kao savršenog muškarca je nestalo i onda sam shvatila zapravo koliko je cijelo vrijeme bio odvratan prema meni.  

Ja sam sukrivac u svemu i toga sam danas potpuno svjesna. Mogla sam sve spriječiti, mogla sam zaštititi svoje osjećaje, a očigledno i psihu. Ali kako kriviti ludo zaljubljenu ženu? 

I dan danas ne znam što je bilo u njegovoj glavi (pa i srcu). U nekim trenucima ga smatram žrtvom, neiskvarenim, dobrim muškarcem s nedovoljnim karakterom da se opire utjecajima i nametanjima društva, a, s druge strane, postoje trenuci u kojima ga smatram totalno proračunatim šupkom. Ruku na srce, ovi drugi trenuci su jako rijetki. 

Krhka ljudska prisutnost 

Stvarno mi se sviđao. Jako mi se sviđalo sve na njemu. Osjećala sam kemiju i znam da nisam zabrijala. I ne, nisam više ista nakon njegovog ghostanja. Ubilo me puno stvari, ali vjerujem da je puno toga u meni trebalo biti ubijeno. Nakon ghostanja muškarca za kojeg sam mislila da je jedna od najdivnijih osoba koje sam ikada srela, više neću biti ista. Neću biti ista jer sam naučila koliko je krhka ljudska prisutnost, koliko može povrijediti tišina i koliko je važno čuvati vlastito srce (i psihu). Više ne pristajem na mrvice. Istina, moglo je proći bez tolike boli, no, s druge strane, od ljudi kojima je uistinu stalo do mene dobila sam ljubavi dovoljne da zacijeli rane, ali i zrelost, mir te potvrdu da u životu treba biti iskren i ostati dostojan sebi. O naletu inspiracije da i ne govorim.