Maybe it really was.

The knot in my stomach and uncontrollable tears, tinged with fear, on New Year’s Eve 2025 now feel like intuition – and a kind of warning. They were quiet signals that a year awaited me that would break me on every level.

I spent New Year’s Eve with my then boyfriend. He had just recovered from an illness, so we decided to stay in, no parties, just us and the PlayStation. He mostly lay on the couch while I devoted myself entirely to self-care – a pedicure, a hair mask, detailed skincare. But around eight in the evening, a knot formed in my stomach, a kind of anxiety without a clear reason. I tried to wash it away with a shower, a scrub, deep breathing, but nothing helped. The feeling would ease for a moment, then return stronger, as if something inside me was warning me. At the time I didn’t know what about. Today, I do.

Around ten o’clock, I went to pray, carrying a fear that paralyzed me and eventually made me cry. I asked for only one thing – health for my family, my loved ones, and myself. It was the first time in my life that prayer did not calm me. I cried because I simply did not want 2025 to arrive. Even though my life looked decent from the outside, something inside me was suddenly afraid of what was coming.

And I was right.

Just before midnight, we stepped out onto the balcony. As every year, the neighbors put on a beautiful fireworks, but the knot in my stomach only tightened. I felt the urge to run away, but there was nowhere to go. We went back to the couch, played a little more, and fell asleep. By morning the knot had disappeared, but I woke up with an inexplicable sense of emptiness.

A year that showed no mercy

This year was extremely difficult for me. The hardest so far. I won’t call it the worst, because I don’t want to be ungrateful. Beautiful things happened too, and I will gladly mention them. But yes – it was brutal and relentless.

I entered the new year the way I enter everything: with big expectations. But already in the first month came a serious fear – my father’s health problems. He battled them for almost the entire year. A few months ago, thank God, the issues were resolved, but that period exhausted me emotionally more than I realized at the time.

Shortly before that, I had quit my job with a clear intention to dedicate myself to creative work and my own projects. I had plans, agreements, ideas, but my body clearly had other plans. I began getting sick every three weeks. In February, there were days when I didn’t have the strength to get out of bed. The culmination came in March – a bladder infection followed by a kidney infection, when I experienced, without exaggeration, the worst pain of my life. I was literally screaming.

At the same time, problems in my relationship began to pile up. Our peace was seriously disrupted, and at that moment I had the option to retreat to a free countryside apartment offered to me by the parents of a dear friend. Intuitively, I knew the problems wouldn’t settle. It was the moment I gave up security and made a mistake.

The lights that stayed on

Despite everything, there were beautiful moments. This year I was a maid of honor again – the bachelorette party and the wedding were magical, warm, and full of love. Those days reminded me how important it is to celebrate love whenever we get the chance.

Not long after the celebration came a new diagnosis – thyroid disease. Therapy, Euthyrox, severe symptoms and side effects. Yet paradoxically, the illness forced me to seriously take care of my health. Through discipline, sacrifice, and enormous effort, I managed to bring my condition under control. I learned to listen to my body and respect its limits.

I was overjoyed and incredibly proud of myself when my new test results arrived. They were perfect.

Once again, it was confirmation that I was truly doing the right thing and a powerful motivation to keep going.

The sea, silence, and returning to myself

As it usually does, life offered contrast. A year filled with illness, breakups, and losses also gave me one of the most beautiful summers I can remember.

For a long time, I struggled with writer’s block. I started Neomiressi in the summer of 2024, but something held me back. As if I were frozen. And then came the sea – calm mornings, sun, swimming, silence, writing, creating, working from the beach… and some truly beautiful encounters.

More than once this year, I received confirmation that what I felt was not accidental. That I was right. Some emotions are not a product of imagination, but of truth – truth we only learn to say out loud later. There was also confirmation that I am still loved. All of this together sparked an explosion of inspiration. Writing once again became my safe place.

“Some emotions are not a product of imagination, but of truth we only learn to say out loud later.”

Neomiressi blossomed the moment I opened my heart. The support of people, their interest in my writing, and the large number of messages after publishing texts pushed me forward even more. Today, I create every post with immense joy. Neomiressi has become exactly what I wanted – my place, but also a place recognized by others.

Falls, battles, and quiet victories

Health issues prevented me from working and earning normally, and a series of private circumstances shook me financially even further. It took months to stabilize again. One of the most beautiful moments happened at the beginning of summer, when I tried working as a waitress. I needed movement, people, a sense of usefulness. Those three days restored my confidence and reminded me that I can – and know – more than I think. I was glowing, and others could see it too.

This year, I also passed some of the hardest exams I was convinced I could never pass. And that was another small but important step toward returning to myself.

The biggest lesson, however, came from people – those who have been trying to make my life miserable for over two years. Through a series of situations that turned in my favor, I realized the truth: no one who is satisfied with themselves lies, stalks, or plots against others. That’s what insecure people do. Losers. Yes, losers stick together. Strong people can walk alone.

“Through a series of situations that turned in my favor, I realized the truth – no one who is satisfied with themselves lies, stalks, or plots.”

Today, I see their behavior as a compliment. I’m proud that I never fit into that toxic group. Bad people are like spoiled food – the more you consume them, the more poisoned you become.

Letting go without regret

When I add everything up – a beautiful summer, help and support from close people, but also from those I never expected to be so kind and willing to offer opportunities and teach strangers; new, wonderful friendships; and precious moments with the people I love – I can say this was a year worth remembering, but also a year I am letting go of without regret.

This year broke me and stripped me bare. But it also taught me boundaries, patience, and a strength I always knew existed somewhere within me, though I didn’t know how to bring it to the surface. Hard moments forced it out. And that was my victory.

After a year of storms, the feeling of peace is priceless. There are no more knots in my stomach. At one point, when I realized that nothing was going the way I had imagined and everything seemed to be falling apart, I just let go and started enjoying myself.

“I used to greet autumn and winter with resistance. Somewhere along the way, I learned to breathe them in instead. The sea is calmer now, quieter, but its scent is just as deep, just as beautiful. Maybe that’s what growing up feels like – realizing that even in winter, the sea still knows how to hold you.”

I enter 2026 with deep faith in myself, my body, my work, and my path.

And after everything – that is more than enough.

(photo credits goes to my lovely brother) ♡

Hrvatska verzija/Croatian version

Najgora godina ikad?

Možda je stvarno bila.

Grč u želucu i nekontrolirane suze s primjesom straha na dočeku 2025. godine danas mi se čine kao intuicija, ali i svojevrsno upozorenje. Bili su to tihi signali da me čeka godina koja će me lomiti na svim razinama.

Doček Nove godine provela sam s tadašnjim dečkom. Netom je ozdravio pa smo odlučili ostati kod kuće, bez izlazaka, uz PlayStation. On je uglavnom ležao na kauču, a ja sam se temeljito posvetila sebi – pedikura, maska za kosu, detaljan skincare… No oko osam navečer pojavio se grč u želucu, nekakva nervoza bez jasnog razloga. Pokušala sam je isprati tušem, pilingom, dubokim disanjem, ali ništa nije pomoglo. Osjećaj bi se na trenutke smanjio, a onda bi se opet vratio, snažniji, kao da me nešto iznutra upozorava. Iako tada nisam znala na što, danas mi je to jasno.

Oko deset navečer otišla sam se pomoliti, sa strahom koji me paralizirao i na kraju rasplakao. U molitvi sam tražila samo jedno – zdravlje za svoju obitelj, bližnje i sebe. Bio je to prvi put u životu da me molitva nije smirila. Rasplakala sam se jer jednostavno nisam htjela da dođe 2025. godina. Iako je moj život tada izvana izgledao pristojno, iznutra me najednom bilo strah onoga što dolazi.

I bila sam u pravu.

Pred ponoć smo izašli na balkon. Susjedi su, kao i svake godine, priredili predivan vatromet, ali meni se grč u želucu samo pojačavao. Imala sam potrebu pobjeći, ali nisam imala kamo. Vratili smo se na kauč, još malo igrali i zaspali. Do jutra je grč nestao, a ja sam se probudila s neobjašnjivim osjećajem praznine.

Godina koja nije štedjela

Ova godina bila mi je iznimno teška. Najteža do sada. Neću reći najgora, jer ne želim biti nezahvalna. Dogodile su se i lijepe stvari, i njih ću rado spomenuti. Ali da – bila je brutalna i nemilosrdna.

U novu godinu ušla sam, kao što i uvijek ulazim u sve, s velikim očekivanjima. No već prvi mjesec donio je ozbiljan strah – zdravstvene probleme mog oca. Borio se s njima gotovo cijelu godinu. Prije nekoliko mjeseci, hvala Bogu, problemi su riješeni, ali taj me period emocionalno iscrpio više nego što sam tada bila svjesna.

Nedugo prije toga dala sam otkaz s jasnom namjerom da se posvetim kreativnijem radu i vlastitim projektima. Imala sam planove, dogovore, ideje, ali tijelo je očito imalo druge planove. Počela sam se razbolijevati svaka tri tjedna. U veljači su došli dani kada nisam imala snage ustati iz kreveta. Kulminacija je bila u ožujku – upala mjehura, a zatim bubrega, kada sam, bez pretjerivanja, osjetila najgoru bol u životu. Doslovno sam vrištala.

Istovremeno su se počeli gomilati problemi u vezi. Naš mir bio je ozbiljno narušen, a u tom sam trenutku imala opciju povući se u besplatan stan na selu, koji su mi dali roditelji moje drage prijateljice. Intuitivno sam znala da se problemi neće smiriti. Bio je to trenutak u kojem sam se odrekla sigurnosti i pogriješila. 

Svjetla koja su ostala upaljena

Unatoč svemu, bilo je i lijepih trenutaka. Ove godine ponovno sam bila kuma – djevojačka i svatovi bili su čarobni, topli i puni ljubavi. Ti su me dani podsjetili koliko je važno slaviti život i ljubav kad god se za to pruži prilika.

Nedugo nakon slavlja stigla je nova dijagnoza – bolest štitnjače. Terapija, Euthyrox, teški simptomi i nuspojave. No bolest me, paradoksalno, natjerala da se ozbiljno pozabavim vlastitim zdravljem. Uz disciplinu, odricanja i ogroman trud, uspjela sam dovesti svoje stanje u red. Naučila sam slušati tijelo i poštovati njegove granice.

Bila sam presretna i preponosna na sebe kada su mi stigli novi nalazi. Bili su savršeni.

Bila je to, još jednom, potvrda da doista radim ispravno, ali ujedno i snažna motivacija za dalje.

More, tišina i povratak sebi

Kako to obično biva, život uvijek ponudi kontrast. Godina koja mi je donosila bolesti, prekide i gubitke, podarila mi je jedno od najljepših ljeta koje pamtim.

Dugo sam imala blokadu s pisanjem. Neomiressi sam pokrenula u ljeto 2024., ali nešto me kočilo. Kao da sam bila zamrznuta. A onda se dogodilo more, mirna jutra, sunce, plivanje, tišina, pisanje, stvaranje, rad s plaže… i neka predivna susretanja.

U više trenutaka ove godine dobila sam potvrdu da ono što sam osjećala nije bilo slučajno. Da sam bila u pravu. Neke emocije nisu plod mašte, nego istine koju tek kasnije naučimo izgovoriti naglas. Dogodila se i potvrda da sam još uvijek voljena. Sve to zajedno probudilo je eksploziju inspiracije. Pisanje je ponovno postalo moja sigurna zona.

“Neke emocije nisu plod mašte, nego istine koju tek kasnije naučimo izgovoriti naglas.”

Neomiressi je procvao onog trenutka kada sam ja otvorila srce. Podrška ljudi, njihova zainteresiranost za moje pisanje i velik broj javljanja nakon objava dodatno su me pogurali. Danas s ogromnim veseljem stvaram svaku objavu. Neomiressi je postao upravo ono što sam željela – moje mjesto, ali i mjesto koje prepoznaju drugi.

Padovi, borbe i tihe pobjede

Zdravstveni problemi onemogućili su mi normalan rad i zaradu, a splet privatnih okolnosti dodatno su me financijski uzdrmali. Trebali su mi mjeseci da se ponovno stabiliziram. Jedan od najljepših trenutaka dogodio se početkom ljeta, kada sam se okušala u konobarenju. Trebalo mi je kretanje, ljudi, osjećaj korisnosti. Ta tri dana vratila su mi samopouzdanje i podsjetila me da mogu, i znam, više nego što mislim. Blistala sam, i to su i drugi mogli vidjeti.

Ove godine položila sam i neke od najtežih ispita za koje sam bila uvjerena da ih ne mogu položiti. Ne samo da sam ih položila, nego sam ih rasturila. I to je bio još jedan mali, ali važan korak prema vraćaju sebi.

Najveću lekciju, ipak, donijeli su ljudi i to oni koji mi preko dvije godine pokušavaju zagorčati život. Kroz niz situacija koje su se okrenule u moju korist, shvatila sam istinu – nitko tko je zadovoljan sobom ne laže, ne uhodi i ne spletkari. To rade nesigurni ljudi. Luzeri. Da, luzeri se drže zajedno. Jaki ljudi mogu hodati i sami.

“Kroz niz situacija koje su se okrenule u moju korist, shvatila sam istinu – nitko tko je zadovoljan sobom ne laže, ne uhodi i ne spletkari.”

Danas njihovo ponašanje doživljavam kao kompliment. Ponosna sam što se nikada nisam uklopila u tu toksičnu skupinu. Pokvareni ljudi su poput pokvarene hrane – što ih više konzumirate, to ste više zatrovani.

Puštanje bez žaljenja

Ako zbrojim sve – uz predivno ljeto, pomoć i podršku od bliskih ljudi, ali i onih za koje se nikada nisam nadala da su tako dobri i spremni pružiti priliku i učiti one koje ne poznaju, nova divna prijateljstva i dragocjene trenutke s ljudima koje volim – mogu reći da je ovo bila godina za pamćenje, ali i godina koju puštam bez žaljenja.

Ova me godina slomila i ogolila. S druge strane, naučila me granicama, strpljenju i snazi za koju sam oduvijek znala da postoji negdje u meni, ali je nisam znala izvući na površinu. Teški trenuci su je primorali da sama izađe. I to je bila moja pobjeda. U jednom trenutku kada sam shvatila da ništa ne ide onako kako sam zamislila i kao da se sve urušava, samo sam se pustila i počela uživati.

Nakon cjelogodišnjih oluja, osjećaj mira je neprocjenjiv. Nema više grčeva u želucu.

U 2026. ulazim s puno vjere u sebe, svoje tijelo, svoj rad i svoj put.

I to mi je, nakon svega, sasvim dovoljno.

(fotografije je napravio moj dragi brat) ♡